Recently I was thinking about where I am in life and I realized that by worldly standards, I am a complete failure. I am 24 years old and I didn’t get my degree, I haven’t been married, I can’t hold a job, and all of the goals I set for myself at high school graduation have not been met. To look at me on paper is to see someone who has completely missed the mark when it comes to “adulting”.
However, there are so many things under the surface that have shaped me into a much more mature and capable woman that I don’t believe I would have learned had my life gone according to my own plan. I’ve become much more confident in myself because I have had to advocate for myself with doctors and insurance companies on a regular basis. I’ve learned to be much more laid back because it is physically painful to get upset about things. I’ve learned to appreciate the little things because so often the little things are all I can manage. I’ve become much more tolerant of other people because I have to carefully allocate my energy and it takes too much brain power to overthink what other people are doing. Best of all though, I have become much more grounded in my faith.
When I first got sick I was attending Texas A&M University and loving my animal science classes. When everything came crashing down around me and managing my health forced me to have to withdraw from school, there was a long period where I was so angry with God. Why does it seem that every time I almost reach my goal, something snatches it away? I felt like the dud child. Over the past couple years though, I could feel God chipping away at my anger and beginning to change my heart.
I began to realize that my tantrum over not getting my way was never going to change things. This is the hand of cards I was given and I could either continue to be angry and bitter about what I can’t have, or I could find the good in my current experience. I began to study the word with more intention and really began to apply what I was reading to my life. Until this point my faith was child-like and I was praising God in the good times, but not in the trials. When the difficult times came, I was sitting in self-pity and completely ignoring God’s promises to me.
I don’t mean this to say that I think God has caused my troubles. I know that illness is not from God but can absolutely be used by him. I know that he uses all things for the good of those who love him. I know that he has plans for me to prosper and not to harm me. I also know that my human perception is not the same as his divine knowledge. What looks to me like my world crashing down and my physical body being broken, is actually causing something much more important to be strengthened. My relationship with God is growing much deeper roots through my physical struggles in a way that likely would not have happened had things gone according to my own plan.
I am a failure by the worlds’ standards but I would never want to gain the world and lose my soul. Life has become so much more enjoyable since deciding to genuinely trust in God’s plan for me, even when it seems so unfair and nonsensical I can’t figure out how any good could possibly come from it. I no longer see myself as the child who failed to launch and I don’t define myself by what I have or haven’t accomplished in life, but rather I rest in knowing that I am loved by the creator and the hope of everlasting life.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future”.
Matthew 16:26 What good would it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?