These past few weeks have been really, really hard. The day after I got back from Philadelphia I went out to take Sophie dog for a walk and promptly ran my foot into some uneven sidewalk and demolished the outside of my right foot. It wasn’t a serious injury really – I figured I’d lose a toenail and it would be swollen and sore for a few days but I’ve broken toes before and gotten over it just fine. No need to whine around.
Welllll my already hypersensitive nervous system had some other plans and I still haven’t been able to put my foot in water, under a blanket, put weight on the outside of that foot, or deal with temperature changes without pain. Basically I’ve developed intense allodynia on the outside of my right foot.
And its embarrassing. I’m actually really embarrassed that my stupid, broken down body can’t even deal with a simple toe injury without dramatics. I’m ashamed that walking down the refrigerated aisle of the grocery store causes me to be awake half of the night with burning pain that is completely uncalled for. I don’t want to talk about it because it’s just another Ashley Issue that doesn’t show up on any scan or blood test. Just another thing that makes me look like a whiny, wimpy, baby who can’t handle life. Just another issue that makes me look like a drug seeker in the eyes of the medical world.
If you’re sick of hearing about my life that, at the moment, is completely controlled by pain issues, I GUARANTEE you that I am 100 times more sick of living it. I hate the fact that every social media post I write has something to do with medical issues because that’s all I have to talk about anymore. I hate this so much more than any of you. I hate that the person I used to be has all but vanished and I don’t know who I am anymore.
I’m trapped in this body which means that no, I can’t go to that concert or go camping or be the fun person I used to be right now. But please don’t leave me. Please don’t forget about me. Please keep talking to me because I’m still here and I need the people in my life now more than ever. I know I’m a downer and my conversation is boring and I have the focus and concentration of a goldfish. I know my contribution to my friendships has become pretty minimal and I live like a lame hermit, but please remember that I’m here.
I’m sorry that my life has turned into this nightmare that isn’t pleasant for anyone. No one likes to talk about illness. No one likes to hear about medical procedures and pain. Its considered a negative topic and those whose lives are dictated by it are generally considered to be obsessive and in need of mental stability. But let me tell you, from the inside of this awful, inescapable, living horror show, it is so much more miserable than you can imagine. I don’t want to wake up and live this any more than you want to hear about it. I want to be better so much more than you want me to be better. What you feel for the thirty seconds it takes you to glance at my Instagram post, I feel 24/7.
So I’m just going to be honest. Life is hard right now. I feel more alone right now than I ever have before. Yes, my life is ruled by pain at the moment and I’m not going to be ashamed of that. I’m not weak. I’m really, really freaking strong. I live this hell every day and every day I wake up and fight some more. So if you can’t handle that, then that’s ok – but if you want to be a part of my life, I could really use some friends right now.